Many times I struggle with getting my child to listen to my instructions, follow along or even cooperate. Some days, everything needs to be done fast. We have to rush out of the house for classes or school, drop the children off then rush to work. Rush them to finish up dinner, then rush them off to bed. What a day. Sometimes it is just so convenient to say “hurry up!” or “quickly!” so get them going. BUT. Is it working?

Recently, my husband got so tired of nagging at our daughter. The task was simple. She just needed to walk to the toilet to wash her hands after eating Ang Ku Kueh (a type of local snack). But it felt like forever to ask her to wash her hands. “Go and wash your hands now!” “Your hands are so sticky.” “Hurry go and wash your hands!” But she just wouldn’t listen and budge. So he turned and looked at me. “How? What would you do?” I looked at him and demonstrated the power of the “I” message to our girl.

“I see that your hands are sticky from eating the Ang Ku Kueh. The Ang Ku Kueh must have tasted really nice that you didn’t want to wash your hands.”

She looked at me with wide eyes.

“I feel happy that you enjoyed your Ang Ku Kueh. But now that you have finished eating, I feel a little gross seeing your sticky hands going on the clean floor because I just mopped the floor. Can I suggest that you go to the toilet and wash your hands?”

Immediately, she stood up, and walked to the toilet to get her hands cleaned. My husband stood at the kitchen amazed.  This was one of the many examples of how I use the “I” message.

This positive way of communication stems from the Non-violent communication (NVC) framework which I was introduced during my study in Positive Psychology.

The use of the “I” message is to express your own needs, expectations, problems, feelings or concerns to the child respectfully. It does not blame, shame or put them down. The idea of the “I” message is to create a safe a positive space for communicating and to problem-solve.

There are 4 steps to using the I message. Feel, Observe, Need and Request. When we communicate, it is to be as specific as possible, without blaming, shaming or criticising.

Feel:

Express your own feeling without blaming.

I feel…(the emotion you are feeling).

“I feel angry…”

“I feel frustrated…”

“I feel disgusted…”

“I feel disappointed…”

Observe:

The next part is to describe the situation or behaviour that is making you feel your emotion. It includes that you see or hear.

“I feel angry when I see poured the milk all over the floor.”

“I feel frustrated when I hear the refusal to bathe.”

Need:

Then tell the reason why or value that causes this feeling. It tells the child the impact of their actions.

“I feel angry when I see poured the milk all over the floor because I just mopped the house.”

“I feel frustrated when I hear the refusal to bathe because I value cleanliness and hygiene.”

Request:

End off with concrete actions to take. You can end off with actions you want your child to take, offer choices or set boundaries.

• Take Action

“I feel angry when I see poured the milk all over the floor because I just mopped the house. I want you to take the cloth and help me with the cleaning up.”

• Offer Choice

“I feel frustrated when I hear the refusal to bathe because I value cleanliness and hygiene. Can I give you a choice to wash your hands first or walk straight to the bathroom?”

• Set boundaries

“I feel frustrated when I see the refusal to leave the playground after I reminded you because it is dinner time. I am going to give you the last five minutes at the playground and we will leave.”

• The trick is…

I feel (emotion) when I see/hear (describe situation or behaviour) because (the reason). Would you like to (request)?

I feel (emotion) when I see/hear (describe situation or behaviour) because (the reason). Can I suggest (request)?

Other than expressing negative emotion, the I message can be used for praise.

“I am very happy when I see you helping your friend. It shows care for others.”

“I am so happy when I see you cleaning up/clearing your toys after play. It shows me that you are responsible and independent.”

“I like seeing you having some independent play time. Thank you for giving me the space to cook in peace.”

• The tone which the message is said and facial expression must be in sync and appropriate.
• Be clear and specific in your message and talk about the current situation, not the past or future.
• Words like “You never follow what I said”, “ You always do not listen” , “Why didn’t you”, “why you never” are not helpful.
• If you are angry, take notice that you are angry and take a moment to reset, recentre before you speak your I message. It is hard for young children to handle strong words such as “furious” and “angry” when the negative emotions is coming from an adult. Using words like “upset”, “frustrated”, “I feel uncomfortable” makes the child feel less “attacked”. Usually I will only use “angry” and “furious” for something that is very serious such as running across the carpark or hitting someone.

As Asians, we tend to speak quickly and get our messages translated across quickly. When I first started this, honestly I felt that my mouth did a lot of exercise just by saying those sentences and they were so long winded. However, as I understood the intention behind saying these sentences, and with the change in my tone and emphasis on certain words, it did pay off. My child did start to listen. My child started to comprehend what I was saying. My child started show more affection towards me. Because safe space was created.

You’ve got this, parents. Keep practicing and give credit to yourself for trying. The more we practice and modify, we’ll get better.

If you like this article, Like and Share so more friends can get the help they need.

Till next time.

Marilynn